In Silence
by PsychoLeopard
Summary: A short reflective piece from one character to another. SIII, I think you'll be able to guess which characters. Just a hint of slash. Don't like, don't read.


_Hey all. I wrote this some time ago, and my sister urged me to post it. I don't usually do yaoi pairings, because I don't believe I do them justice. However, this was just begging to be written. So, tell me what you think, if you please!_

_Disclaimer: I own it! I own everything! Suikoden III, the universe, and a year's supply of chocolate! Then I wake up, and remember that I am merely a poor college student who owns nothing at all._

**In Silence**

"I'm going to go train. You want to come?"

I shake my head, reluctantly. "No thanks."

"You sure?" Your eyes narrow, appraisingly.

"Yeah. Go on."

You nod, accepting. We all need some time alone, every now and then. You take your sword and leave, leaving me alone with the silence.

Do you know of this silence that lies between us? Do you even realize it exists? I laugh to myself as I wonder. You probably have no idea. We are such close friends, you and I. Doubtless you think I share everything with you. And I have. Everything but this, that is.

On this one subject, I hold my tongue. Though at times I want more than anything to speak this last secret, I don't dare. For you have not held back from me, and I know where your heart lies. She will ever capture your eyes, your devotion, your heart. Though she might never return your affection, might cast you away with a word, you would always stand ready to defend her. You would always be eager to return at the merest glance. I understand this, for I count her a friend as well. I, too, am sword in her service, and would gladly die for her. But unlike you, it is not her that I dream about at night.

I know I will probably never speak of this to you. It might shock, even horrify you. It would doubtless ruin our friendship. And I am selfish. I would rather have our steady friendship if that is all I can have, than have nothing of you at all.

I know you so well, my friend. Your strengths, your virtues, your faults and your weaknesses are all laid bare to me. You are quick to anger and slow to forgive, you are quick to attack and defend. You are fiercely loyal and at times too rash. Sometimes I fear that your rashness will lead you to your death. Perhaps that is why I walk by your side, to see that Death does not find you easy prey.

I laugh to myself as I stare sightlessly at dust-motes dancing in a sunbeam. I should not lie to myself. I walk by your side because that is my duty, my orders. But I thank the goddess that our lady so often pairs us together. I relish every minute in your presence. I have learned, I think, to hide my discomfort when I am near you. Though I ache to hold you, to touch you, I must restrain myself. I will. I refuse to lose our friendship, since that is all I will ever have.

Sometimes I wonder if you will ever guess at the feelings concealed behind my carefree mask. Will you ever realize how forced my laughter is, how contrived my teasing? Sometimes I almost beg you with my eyes, to see me and my pain.

But you won't see. You'll never see. You are blinded by the light that is _Her_, and you are too fixated to look away. And so I become merely a shadow, an unnecessary candle on a day bright with sun. I am here, as I am always here. I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on, though you almost never cry. I am here if you want to get drunk, though you'd rather savor your wine. I am here for a practice bout and I am here for a long talk. You can unburden your cares to me, and know they will never go any further.

And I will hold my silence. I have become accustomed to being alone. I have become accustomed to never speaking aloud that which would destroy us. I will hide my secrets, my silence, behind a cool façade of cheerful optimism. Rebuke me though you may, the mask will not slip. Because if I don't act as you expect, then you might begin to see beneath the mask. And as much as I wish you would see, that is how much I also fear it.

I have been long enough alone. I pick up my sword and bring a soft smile to my face. Perhaps I will join you for some training after all.


End file.
